John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
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You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
According to math, I’m broke
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.