If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
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Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
December birthdays be like…
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL