Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
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[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
*serious situation*
My brain:
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.