Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”

I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.

My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.

I should probably buy him something soon.

I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.

My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.

[phone rings]

ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.

Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.

Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?

i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway

therapist: what’s your greatest fear

me: randomly going blind

therapist: i see

me: but for how long?

women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)

Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.

Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time

Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”

Me: *dances*

Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”

[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*

I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*

going from an agency to a company that cares about you is crazy because my boss said “please don’t apologize for having spinal surgery” and i was like “are you sure”