Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
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*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.