sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
HER: I’m a first-grade teacher.
ME (trying to impress her): *pees in pants*
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Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Please can Dwayne Johnson sue The Daily Star for that fake interview they ran so I can do a pun about “Rock beats paper”
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
*at a concert*
ARE YOU GUYS READY TO ROCK
LETS DO THIS HIT IT
*30 second ad plays first*
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.