Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
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I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.