“Tender and mild” is a great way to describe chicken and a TERRIBLE way to describe a holy infant.
HER: I’m a first-grade teacher.
ME (trying to impress her): *pees in pants*
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Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
WIFE: Guess what?
WIFE: Guess who said their first words today?
ME: He didn’t!
WIFE: Yes he did
ME: This is amazing, what did the dog say?
WIFE: I was talking about your son
ME: He said a whole sentence?!!
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
My husband told me he thinks he folded the towels right, so I told him I think he might get lucky tonight…
…and now he’s refolding them.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.