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@G_Faylor: [blind date]
HER: I'm a first-grade teacher.
ME (trying to impress her): *pees in pants*
@ShesAllNat: My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
2) My Best Friend
@Reverend_Scott: [opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
@jackiembouvier: I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
@CornOnTheGoblin: [bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it's an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
@ArfMeasures: DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT