@G_Faylor: [blind date]
HER: I'm a first-grade teacher.
ME (trying to impress her): *pees in pants*
@RdrJay47: [someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet's still in my pocket*
@dom_selleck: Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
@doktorj: Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: "I know what the slogan says ma'am, we aren't THAT kind of family."
@ohen39: wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it
me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife
@murrman5: I don't get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* "your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps"