[blind date]

HER: I’m a first-grade teacher.

ME (trying to impress her): *pees in pants*

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“Tender and mild” is a great way to describe chicken and a TERRIBLE way to describe a holy infant.


Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?


There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.


WIFE: Guess what?
ME: What?
WIFE: Guess who said their first words today?
ME: He didn’t!
WIFE: Yes he did
ME: This is amazing, what did the dog say?
WIFE: I was talking about your son
ME: He said a whole sentence?!!


GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned



My husband told me he thinks he folded the towels right, so I told him I think he might get lucky tonight…

…and now he’s refolding them.


ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories


I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating


89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.