@G_Faylor

[blind date]

HER: I’m a first-grade teacher.

ME (trying to impress her): *pees in pants*

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@JohnLyonTweets

Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.

Me: I think you mean between you and me.

Her: I don’t mean either now.

@DamonHunzeker

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

@ItsAndyRyan

Please can Dwayne Johnson sue The Daily Star for that fake interview they ran so I can do a pun about “Rock beats paper”

@rebrafsim

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

@Redfiascos

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.

@SatansTongue

*at a concert*
ARE YOU GUYS READY TO ROCK
(Crowd)
“YEAAAAH”
LETS DO THIS HIT IT
*30 second ad plays first*

@dshack8

Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.

@Jarhead44

If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.