[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
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I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.