Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’

Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’

he’s doing your taxes

My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!

Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…

School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”

Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose

Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!

Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.

DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?

ME: No thank you.

When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer

Dog people like dogs

Cat people like cats

Lizard people are lizards

At least he tried.. twice.. 😅

If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.

birds: it’s so peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant

Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾

ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

When I think about you, I touch myself.

In the face.

With my fist.

My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers

Kids forever killing vibes 💀

Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left

I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong