[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
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I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.