Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.

Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars

I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.

Dimsummernight’s dream

An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.

My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.

All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.

Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.

I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto

“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.

“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo

I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.

Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine

I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.

before therapy: i hate people

after therapy: i feel good about hating people!

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now

My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.

I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me

[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?

British parking sign:

———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————

Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”

Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”

Me: “Oh, boy.”

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.

99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one

When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.

[Text]

18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!

Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?

* Wins lottery

* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades

what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am