Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles

*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*

*pays $47.00*

Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub

Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!

Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”

My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!

Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?

Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory

Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit

If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants

Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?

trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence

2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris

whenever i wake up before my alarm

scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year

That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?

Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive

Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals

Doing math together is known as fourplay.

At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.

you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.

shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream

me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*

No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.

uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility

peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs

uncle ben (scared): ok.

My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.