Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.

I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal

ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.

UBER DRIVER: No.

[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.

All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:

1.) Tortilla chips

In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.

Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?

Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃

Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.

I am HOWLING at this

ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”

[Hardware store]

ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*

WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up

ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET

I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.

Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?

Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.

And I’ve still got time.

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.

Hotels are back

I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.

I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.

*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!

God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno

[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.

I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.