[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
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Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Every time.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying