Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.

Him: Why are you going in circles???

Me: I’m buffering!!!

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.

Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.

I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.

It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread

Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.

How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

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Me: dang those wings were spicy

WebMD: you have cancer

Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn

WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ

Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.

I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag

My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.

The little toadstool has spoken.

There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.

The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.

Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”

I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic

i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”

parenting is not for the faint of heart

supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt

“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.

Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail

a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.

Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH