Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

[first rap battle]

me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart

opponent: please stop crying

Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour

FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.

COP: How can you be sure?

GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

The absolute effort that went into this omg

The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.

Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.

Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.

Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose

My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.

People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.

“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.

My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)

sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks

[on a first date]

Her: Have you ate here before?

Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time

only kind of dinner drama i approve of

I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards

SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?

Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.

Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.

[mall food court]

Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no

I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.

AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?

“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd

the answer to ‘who hurt you’ is usually ‘my front facing camera’

Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.