Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊

I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!

Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”

tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you

me: stop threatening me

Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow

Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait

blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.

Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder

You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.

Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:

“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story

Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall

The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.

George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.

If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??

date: are you looking for love?

me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels

[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]

Guy1: What should we call it?

Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?

Guy1: Nah..

Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?

Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”

Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.

I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse

INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.

ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.

INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.

ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.

My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.