Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them

I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.

ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.

GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.

“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”

GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.

Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks

date: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad

Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.

Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?

Me: Please, they’re starving.

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.

Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.

I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still

My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.

*being escorted off the flight I purchased with swear jar money*

I said, “I love expletives. EXPLETIVES!”

Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time

“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”

I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.

what does he know…

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.

My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:

Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.

Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.

“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.

there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.

[1994]

dad: are you looking forward to Christmas

me: yes, i cant wait!!

dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.

i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section

FRED: right