Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: you know, a baby deliverer…

Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?

Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.

Well, shit

I won every fight in 1st grade.

Not because I was tough, because I was 13.

me, after any kind of buffet.

3yo: I hate vegetables!

Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?

3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!

Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’

I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.

Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.

How to tell if your wife is mad at you

1. She is

Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.

Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.

Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?

One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.

You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse

People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor

“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything

Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*

My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.

peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?

peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.

peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?

peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha

peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha

Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want

[Calling a guy for the 1st time]

Him: Hello

Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*

*panics, hangs up*

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.

Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.

Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.

*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY

Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.