Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finally a use for spoilers…

ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?

HER: camembert

ME: me either

“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife

It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.

Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it

HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.

I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?

*at the red lobster*

me: i will have the red lobster

waiter: okay

whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]

Board: B A L L

Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!

Board: T R E A T S

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

*bludgeons you with a block of cheese

*eats evidence

“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”

MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT

“Did you check his hand?”

NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait

Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.

Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.

My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.

When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.

brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys

CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.

Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.

Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.