Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying

WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?

ME: Actually I think it was-

*cat makes throat slice gesture*

-the wind

Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”

Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.

“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.

So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.

[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS

interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions

me: so I’m hired?

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.

I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere

“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”

colleague: do u like the clown from IT?

me: nah he never fixes my computer

please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water

My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.

Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.

Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me

Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.

“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.

If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why

it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely

Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.

“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”

My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black