Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law

Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”

Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning

Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*

Me: I hate you

I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?

Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.

Me: Want a back rub?

Wife: It depends

Me: On what?

Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?

Me:

Wife: No. The answer is no.

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids

If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?

May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”

Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.

The Rules

*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial

Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”

I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!

Took me years to rebuild friendships.

Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.

I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]

Waiter: Your bill for-

Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?

I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.

Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.

[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is