Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep

I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes

My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.

I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)

Kid: You’re not a Dr!

Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?

Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.

Is this:

A. A blue shark

B. A leopard shark

C. A pelagic thresher

D. None of the above

Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”

“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.

This story lives rent free in my head:

Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.

Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”

I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.

-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline

Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???

Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..

Hips: No…. It’s his…

Me: Shut up Hips!

she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

What if I made a cactus delicious?

– pineapple inventor

Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.

Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.

[looking down from heaven]

darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on

My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.

Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.

You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.