Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.

*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*

13: I found a baggie of pot.

M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.

Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.

All my small talk is done with a car horn.

12: You’re almost half a century old.

Me: Go to your room.

A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire

~ the guy in front of me, apparently

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”

it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.

[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty

A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.

Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire

How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together

Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?

If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to

me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.

guy: where is our regular priest

My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.

To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.

*Press Conference*

Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole

Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable

Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro

I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.

God: you’re a Squid.

Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.

God: what’s a Kraken?

Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.

God: wa-was that an ocean pun?

Squid: maybe, did you like it : )

God:

Squid:

God: you krilled it : )

Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.

A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot

who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?

First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.

That’s no pocket rocket.

*Aquarium

GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus

ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok

Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry

Harry: i’m a what

Hagrid: a blizzard

Harry: a what

Hagrid: a scissors

Harry: what

Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward

I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.