Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”

PSA:

Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends

the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed

Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.

We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.

Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”

AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.

My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.

THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree

It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.

me: I need to borrow a math textbook

librarian: edition?

me: and subtraction if you have it

Wife: what’s wrong?

Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought

I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.

If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults

I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.

The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.

I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.

what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.

I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.

If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.

Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.