Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?

ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask

CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine

Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.

[feather on the ground]

4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!

Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.

4: I know. They fell off.

“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames

Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ

[Company Christmas luncheon]

Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?

Me: Ugly sweater contest?

It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.

if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts

I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.

You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?

You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back

I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that

The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.

No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention

The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.

Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”

Me: *Goes home*

Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”

Wife: Slowly.

Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…

as a kid: i have to save up for this toy

as an adult: i have to save up for this rent

random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!

My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.

Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.

I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.

Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next

“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.

I am a gravy boat captain

Harry Potter at an interview

Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.

Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame

Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.