Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.

The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic

“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.

Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday

Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash

(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

I’m not afraid of spiders.

I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.

Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.

My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.

I’m impressed.

They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.

Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation

Them: and what is this?

Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am

Them: hmmmmm….

Me: why is my water bill always so high?

Me in shower:

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

Dr: You’ve gained some weight

Me: You said I should take it easy

Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick

Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER

Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol

GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?

ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao

G: Most people wish for world peace or money

ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental

G: Wow Max great work

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.

I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”

If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit

I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies

The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.

Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes

Me: “I’ll drink to that!”

Them: “Nobody said anything.”

Me: “I’ll drink to that!”

Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.

villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.

me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]

[rain starts immediately]

[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]

god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…