[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
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Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
reduce, reuse, recycle
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh