Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail

…again.

(Now in theaters)

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.

Anyway, she’s my new life coach.

Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body

My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please

Me: what’s that? More cheese?

When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…

*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*

We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.

You can’t explain children. You just survive them.

my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs

“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”

Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”

Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”

[Me at doctor’s office]

[thoroughly removes make up]

Me: Ok, weigh me now

Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird

If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.

no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them

Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076

*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*

INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-

*closes browser*

Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.

Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.

People who hate candy corn love telling you.

Me: Hi.

Girl: No.

i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting

Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”