Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend

Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!

Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what

Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself

Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.

No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”

-my brain

If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.

Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.

Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin

Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.

People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.

We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.

You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave

[bank]

me: this is a stick up!

bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around

me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed

bank teller: lol first time?

me: is it that obvious?

bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.

I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.

Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”

wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.

I’ve fallen on some hard Times.

some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]

The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.

Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.

Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.

– My dog, whenever I’m eating.

there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped