Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!

Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?

Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us

Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down

Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”

Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.

Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….

*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying

[restaurant]

me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please

server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir

me: challenge accepted

[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor

Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”

LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!

Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.

When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play

3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch

Me: Oh… that’s too bad

10yo: we can just move the couch…

Me: no we can’t!

10yo: yes we can…

Me: the couch is bolted down!

10yo: it’s not…

Me: you don’t know that!

10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do

Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM

I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.

chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS

I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song

Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious

I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.

You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.

Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?

What legos do when we’re not looking.

*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*

I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: There is snow in my paw and now you must carry me.

Damn he played himself