Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.

Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?

My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.

*at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.

Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.

*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases

*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard

hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!

adorable snowman: rawr

hikers: awwww

*starts eating them*

hikers: AWWWW

6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.

[divorce court]

ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody

JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”

Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?

Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.

my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion

Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely

Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?

My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!

Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga

WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?

ME:

WIFE: You fell down the stairs

ME: Yes

Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.

I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser

Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo

She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school

Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?

Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.

Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?

Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.

Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”

The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano

Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support

Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.

I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.