Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?

Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help

SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.

Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.

The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?

me: [typing] donkey kong

fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it

me: donkey kong no tie

fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

me: do you gift wrap

drug dealer: what

“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”

“So you don’t end up like me”

“What, awesome?”

“Alright fine, no school today”

Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!

Him: Just ignore him.

Me: I’m trying!

Him: I was talking to the dog…

No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

Girl: I will literally **kill** you

Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout

Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this

I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!

.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)

so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct

saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad

rules for dating my daughter:

1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm

2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me

3. please be my friend

I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements

Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?

Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?

Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.