Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways

My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.

People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.

My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.

I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.

God: You’ll be huge and fat

Blue Whale: Dang

God: Awful eyesight

Whale: Ugh

God: No predators- except other whales

Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-

God: Biggest junk on the planet

Whale: I’m in

Me: What are you doing?!

5-year-old: Hugging my sister.

Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.

5:

Me:

5: The good ones do.

Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure

*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*

…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.

Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?

Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.

Me: <send>

Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion

Her: WHAT?!

Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?

Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.

My 9yo on Shark Tank:

“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”

Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it

A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.

If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”

Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.

Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”

{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you