Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”

Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.

Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!

First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n

Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?

Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!

Captain: *sniff* Yarrr

goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion

Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.

damn he’s good

Uglier.

Angel: But, sir…

I SAID UGLIER!

– God inventing cycling outfits.

wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!

I’ve been doing life all wrong.

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.

You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!

Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*

On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:

“Riot”

ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like

*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots

NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??

We’re having leftover pizza.

Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?

me: you take your job a little too seriously

bouncer: *jumping up and down* what

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶

Optometrist: “You need glasses.”

what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys

nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed

Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces

Me: Go to school!

9yr Old: It’s Sunday.

Me: Go to church!

9yr Old: I’m Jewish.

Me: Convert!

The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.