Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer

Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.

When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣

Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that

Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.

If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY

First day of the week: brad pitt

Last day of the week: homeless druggie

TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUG

QUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME

THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-

Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.

Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.

Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”

[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears

My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.

7-year-old: How late can I stay up?

Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.

7: I’m going to bed now.

Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”

[first date]

Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.

Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.

cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?

me:

Cashier:

me:

Cashier:

me: sure

Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked

The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.

Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work

The A string on my guit_r is flat

Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x

One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.

It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it

If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.

I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.

ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful

HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was

ME: ok now i’m bummed again