Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.

Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.

Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.

VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me

Me: they’re coming!

911: can you hide?

Me: they’ll find me!!

911: stay calm

Me: the door is opening…help!

“Mooom! We want a snack!!”

About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword

Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away

You are my people

You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.

I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!

I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.

Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.

I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.

5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!

Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed

5: I neeeeeeed one!

Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]

5: not there! On my arm!

Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.

plant them where lol

[having house guests]

Me: omg I need to CLEANNN

[30 minutes later]

Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME

When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying

batman: i caught the penguin

judge: bail is set for $0

batman: isn’t he a flight risk?

judge:

batman: oh right

I think this is my favorite scene in a movie

Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.

Tomorrow is school picture day

Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes

Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.

At conference w/ teacher

Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?

Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio

7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio

Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma

7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!

Teacher:

Me: what? That’s how I learned it

#Dadlife

Some people are like a ray of spray tan.

Hubs: If you could sleep with…

Me: THOR!!!

Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.

Me: Ohhhh…