Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.

Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?

[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣

Operator: what’s your emergency

Me: my fridge fell on me

Operator: is anything broken

Me: some eggs maybe

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

twitter: Canadians are so nice

Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”

“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”

Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together

Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense

I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈

When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.

Sleeping In A Car By Age:

12 And Under: Very cool

13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal

18+: Uh-Oh

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian

Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.

I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.

Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?

5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

never stops being funny

It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.

Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.

Meow?