Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.

microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds

Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

I made some fish tacos last night.

the ingrates just ignored them and swam away

Me: What the hell do you want?

Him: Um, YOU called ME.

Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license

You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil

Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.

*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business

The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.

The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.

Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?

Me: I got the dirt off.

Wife: What does that mean?

Me: *hides the leaf blower*

*Adorns new baby with:

Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*

They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!

[Arrested for prank calling police]

Cop: You get one phone call

Me: ok

*cop’s phone rings*

Me: is your refrigerator running

*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form

I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.

ME: *slides envelope across the table

COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990

ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.

“I’m so stoked!”

-An excited fireplace

furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.

My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”

*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis

[Preparing for a heist]

Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?

Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo