I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
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Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.