Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”

~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~

Me, “I want a divorce.”

If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.

There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”

Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?

Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha

Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now

*when toddlers meet*

Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi

It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”

My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero

Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.

People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.

Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*

My family: what’s the occasion?

Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*

Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.

Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.

[notice son’s not home]

[text]

Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!

17: You were my ride.

Me: Oh. Where are you again?

Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.

dentist: u need to floss

me: no

dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth

me: really

dentist: in a fistfight

me: that sounds unrelated

dentist: it was my fist. do what i say

Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work

Him: I-

Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER

“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”

coming home late…

Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?

Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-

Vampire: wow

Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-

Vampire: WOW

Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.

Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions

co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons

bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird

me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT

At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.

I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.

Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm

So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…