Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: what’s your sign?

ME: i’m an asparagus

HER: you mean aquarius

ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun

Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.

[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast

I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.

Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.

Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.

Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!

Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?

gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.

Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.

First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

A cabbage a day keeps people away.

My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.

Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.

My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to

I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.

I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic

You: (tweeting something personal and profound)

Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re

An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.

Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll

If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.

*draws a line in the sand*

*looks at the line in the sand*

*decides that it might be time to vacuum*

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”