Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

Party Cat & Scaredy Cat

Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?

Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?

Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.

I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.

1. My wife’s name

2. How to make a shank from a phone charger

3. I need Twitter

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?

Astronomer: No, comet.

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.

When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?

buys donuts instead

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents

My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.

Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.

At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”

Is anyone gonna tell them?

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

[Flirting]

I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.

Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?

Amazon: It’s 15% off.

Me: Well, in that case…

Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.

Netflix: Continue watching?

Me: *can’t find tv remote*

Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

Kids: We’re bored!

Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?

Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner

I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!

waiter: did you enjoy your meal

me: honestly not really

waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever

Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.

Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors

I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.

My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”