Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My background check bounced.

I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.

Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.

9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!

Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?

9: It matters for two minutes.

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.

Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:

HDMI

I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!

inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert

New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.

I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much

If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.

*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*

My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?

“Sooth.”

-a soothsayer

*As the Titanic sinks*

Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album

Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO

My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!

Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.

I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.

Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.

“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”

HIM: Do you have raisins?

ME: I have grapes and patience.

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

This is I, Robot all over again

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.