Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
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Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Was excited about this gym membership I got for Christmas, but today I found out you’re not supposed to “just watch.”
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]