Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
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My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
I am never leaving this website
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions