Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
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Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Autocarrot sucks!
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
where do you see yourself in five years?
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.