Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.

Me: She is going to be exhausted.

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:

Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid

Me: these say they have another week

*throws them in the cart*

Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.

Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now

GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned

HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?

“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”

“What kind are you using?”

“Grape”

Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself

My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me

My favorite farside!!

them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm

me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark

ME: You win some, you lose some

WIFE: Where are the kids

A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.

Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said

Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out

In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison

“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.

“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”

“Really “?

“No”

Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed

Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.