Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?

Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.

Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.

Body: Ten more minutes then.

Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice

How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?

Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.

Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.

Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.

I don’t think Spotify knows what a genre is. Apparently I’ve been listening to “indie punk death raccoon disco” all year.

The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.

ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?

WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao

*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*

Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.

Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.

The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies

I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.

Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?

Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.

Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store

director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother

disney: sounds great, let’s add murder

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there

Reminder:

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??