Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.

The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that

The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.

I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.

Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.

My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.

Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?

Wife: why do you ask?

Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.

Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.

Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.

my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.

Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.

All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?

Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks

Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?

*Looks left*

*Looks right*

*Crosses road*

*Gets run over by chicken*

Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.

Ape together strong

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like

Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business

Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.

Me: How do I beat the bully?

Dad: Just punch him

Me: I am not doing that

Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him

Me: So like an uppercut?

your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”

Me: BEAN!!! Come here!

9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public

Me: Beanie Baby?

D: Mom. No.

Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-

D: MOM!!!

The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it

cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.

ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]

(gets pulled over)

wife: be nice.

cop: do you have any drugs?

me: yeah man help yourself.