Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
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Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
even bears disappoint their mothers
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Just why bro?!
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
🚲+physics = winner
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.