Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
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ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
We don’t deserve birds.
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This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”