Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
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[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
My work here is don’t.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before