Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
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If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Good morning, Twitter x
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy