Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: what big eyes you have!

Me: what big nose you have!

Me: what big teeth you have!

Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?

the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget

having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse

Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.

Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.

Pharmacist:

When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.

Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

i’ve decided to handle this like a mature adult…i’m telling your mom

*buys almond milk*

“I’m gonna get healthy!”

*drinks almond milk*

“This is gross.”

*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*

“Perfect.”

If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name

I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work

You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?

First Date

Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.

Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*

Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.

Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.

Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.

Her: is the game almost over?

Me: this is just the first half

Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?

Me: you’re pretty

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

“A little help here, Danny?”

The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.

Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?

General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.

Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off

Co-pilot: what

You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?

A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning

Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.