Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries

Cable guy:

I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.

[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.

genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why

Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.

ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?

CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?

ME: I am not.

I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like

please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.

automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT

Everything was great until I opened my mouth.

– An autobiography

Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.

there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

My sister’s birthday cake 🤣

we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met

When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.

i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.

Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.

Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.

I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.

I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.

If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go

Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”

Weaknesses.

Secret Panel HERE 💥

You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.

ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.