Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
You Might Also Like
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
The French word for sex is croissant.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.