Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An amish party in the desert called churning man.

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.

“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING

Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”

Me: “that’s a goat.”

Son: “Why?”

Me: …

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.

people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”

Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.

My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear

I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years

So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”

“Keep it in your pants!”

-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.

If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*

I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

How do I get a job writing these texts

M: I’m gonna go relax

H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help

Should I call tech support or pray or what

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it

WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.