blocked.
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Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Mood.. 😂
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?