blocked.
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I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
There’s only one good girl here!
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
“The weatherman isn’t real!”
-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.