Blocked: 1985
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It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
So Hamburger help me, God
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Why is everyone getting married at me
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
This January has 47 Mondays
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti
