Blocked: 1985
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Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang