Blocked: 1985
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*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
a lot to unpack here
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Trumpy Cat
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke