Blocked: 1985
You Might Also Like
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
I’m going to need a moment here.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.