bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
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Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.