Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.

Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.

10yo: I can’t find one.

Me: *finds a pencil* Here.

10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.

Me: *finds a sharpener*

10yo: I can’t find an eraser.

Me: Fine, use the pen.

10yo: I can’t find the pen.

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink

OCTOPUS: Oh hey

“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*

Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”

Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder

ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.

THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.

Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.

parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are

Saint West, the patron of selfies

My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.

Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.

Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.

Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”

If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.

Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?

*At animal group therapy*

Moderator: introduce yourselves please

Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …

Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…

Sperm whale: do we have to do this?

Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send

I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?

I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.

You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time

Me: When’s your break today?

Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM

*doorbell rings*

Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch

Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂

Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad

Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.

God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?

“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there

My boss called in sick of me

Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.