Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
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Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste