Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.

I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*

If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.

The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything

[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here

My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!

*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*

*me almost finished with a chore*

Husband: Here, let me do that.

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?

i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy

Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us

Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”

Hate it when i pull out a winter coat and there’s no money or drugs stashed in it

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health

Police officer: please step out of your vehicle

me: after this song, hold on

The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere

Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.

Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”

Me: I’d like a nap please.

Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.

Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.

Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.

We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day

The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”

Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.