blocked him on everything and he shared a google doc with me😭
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Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it