blocked him on everything and he shared a google doc with me😭
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FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
murder on the timeline
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.